This has been a very hard week so far. Monday brought me a surprising situation that startled me and rocked me to the core. I felt (and still feel) threatened, scared, targeted, betrayed, angry, and depressed. It has caused me to second guess everything I do on a daily basis while I search for resolution...and maybe even redemption. I have trouble sleeping, I am stressed and tense, and I suddenly feel much older than I should.
This event has filled me with regret. I regret the events that caused all this to happen. I regret all the events that happened before those, thinking they may have been part of some Fate's decision to put this on me (I don't believe in fate or The Fates, by the way). I regret signing up for an Ironman, and for getting involved in this crazy addictive sport. I regret what I've done, and what I haven't done.
But what is worst of all is that this event made me question my life that I share with my family. That crosses the line.
When I think hard about it, it is not so much the event as it is the reason behind it. I feel like "the fall guy" in some weird ass mobster movie, and the cement shoes are just about dry as I sit in a warehouse near the Hudson River.
This has really affected me, and the only resolution in sight is to live through it and keep doing what I always have done, believing what I believe. One side of me knows that this will all be resolved just fine and life will go on. But all the engineering training in me says that doing the same thing won't change the outcome, and it is busy analyzing trying to find that little deviation that can make all the difference.
It's that continual, subconscious analysis that is wearing me down. The stress is so high that sometimes I can feel a panic attack lurking in the shadows (that bastard is my true nemesis).
I still don't know just what I am going to do, but I do know that I won't give up. I won't lay aside and let this run its course. I won't let fate take the reigns - unless my actions help The Fates (philosophers debate away) - and I will continue to drive ahead as I see best.
All this wouldn't be so difficult if I wasn't a triathlete, if I didn't sign up for Ironman Mont Tremblant 2012, if I didn't chase my dreams or try to become a better me. If I amputated this part of me, this situation would be easier to handle only because I'd have more time to handle it.
But nothing of value ever comes easy - family, jobs, recognition, goals, dreams, success. Truly, that is what makes endurance sports so appealing to me: it makes me discover something in me that I didn't know was there, and persevering through the effort to somehow finish the effort is the greatest reward. So perhaps, just perhaps, all this shit I have been dealt recently will make the end that much more special. If that is the case, if "Someone" out there is looking to add value to the end goal, then let it be. I will rise to the challenge, and I will succeed, and I will be better for it.
And when that happens (not if) the only regret I will have is that I allowed all these painful regrets affect me and my family in such a terrible way.