Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Heavy shoulders

Things have been getting crazy lately and I feel like Atlas with the
weight of the world on my shoulders. My daughter is still sick, my
wife is under the weather, work is insane, and my dad is in the
hospital. When it rains it pours.

And that's just the big stuff. In the back of my mind is a crazy array
of stuff: how my mom is doing in her draconian workplace, when to
work on my resume to chase down some opportunities, when will I get my
taxes done - lots of stuff. So much that things get cloudy.

My problem is that I need to be ready for everything - I hate
surprises. Things are supposed to just work without my intervention.
If only life worked that way. And this problem of mine beats me down
and greatly increases the stress in my life. And I hate it. And I hate
that I haven't been able to change that.

For some reason I just can't give out stuff to do, or let things go.
My dad may not be going back home, and if that is the case I'll need
to help out (he's back in Saskatchewan). That's fine but why can't I
just leave that alone until I know what is needed? I get so
preoccupied with things thar I sometimes lose my identity - I am not
that fun, chipper guy I used to be. And when push comes to shove I
sacrifice myself first, putting everyone and everything ahead of
myself no matter what. I fear that the people around me (and there
aren't that many) will forget who I really am because of this stress.

Big stuff, I know. Pride can be a terrible thing - if that is what this
is all about.

I literally forced myself out at lunch for a run - I had to for so
many reasons. But mostly it felt like one thing I could immediately
resolve and do for myself. I shelved work for the hour, forgot about
the rest of the world and focused on putting one foot in front of the
other for 45min. It was great to decompress and shut things off for a
while. The decrease in stress certainly helped me out, and the break
for work was refreshing. And it was good for me to clear my head.

Selfish? Yes. But worth it in this case. Now to learn some new stress
reduction techniques so I can be the person I truly am....

Thanks for shoulder. Hope I didn't get it too wet. ;)

Sent from my iPod

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